My Wife’s Mom Died

Ever cheerful wife found stricken on bathroom floor.


Five Pillows

I just wanna lay this out here for now.

Ultimate sleeping position requires 5 pillows.

I used to be able to sleep on my back when I was younger and less fat, but now that posture is just a prison of shallow burial dreams. Cause I stop breathing. You’ll just have to experience it for yourself.

So I sleep on my side now. Left side.

Right side = Heartburn.

Well, just to spell it out:

  1. Head
  2. Left arm
  3. Chest
  4. Balls
  5. Back

1) Typical head pillow

2) Lying on your left side, your left arm sticks out and rotates at the elbow into an awkward, stressful position. I put a nice cold feather pillow under it. The coolness on the back of your wrist is really something.

3) Your right arm and shoulder come over and crush your chest. I put a pillow there. You gotta have something obstructing half your body weight fucking around with your heart.

4) My thighs crush my balls. Hold a pillow between my legs. Might not be an issue with modern men.

5) Back pillow allows slight repositioning so you can lean back against it. Relieves stress on chest cavity and fends off wife.

On Ramp

A lot of times you have two lanes which merge into one on a freeway on ramp. And you have an asshole passing you to get ahead. Just note that, once merged, the car in the back has the first opportunity to pass.